I love everything navy and am happy to report that it is my favorite color for the time being. Its a versatile color in that when its paired with a complimenting color can make a nice match for any season. In clothes, flowers, decorating, themes, you name it and navy will pretty much be there for you. This recent obsession with the color started with the whole nautical theme idea I had for decorating my future bedroom. I was thinking navy walls white bedding with a splash of cranberry to brighten the space. I loved it and couldn't wait to start crafting my way into a nautical bliss.Not only has this sweet relationship my my friend navy influenced my creativity, but it has now infiltrated another kind of inspiration, an inspiration of the heart.
Surprisingly enough I need a lot of help when it comes to figuring whats going on in my head or my heart. I'm not a very reflective person. When its quiet around me, when I'm walking to class or sitting in silence for whatever reason it is not my natural tendency to ponder or reflect on things. My sister and I joke around that I hate theory and this is part of it. I'm a concrete person not an abstract person. Thus the difficulty in processing my emotions. I think its funny actually because my friends all tease me for being the most feeling and emotional person they know, but these feelings and emotions have no where to go. They just sit there, collecting dust, until something or someone stirs them up. Sometimes its a good conversation with a fiend asking intentional questions, other times it may be a circumstance in which someone says something that rubs me the wrong way but I can't figure out why. This happens to me all the time! It is so frustrating when someone says something like that and my face and body language reacts but I don't know why. Then the person asks what's wrong and I don't have an answer for them until a few hours or sometimes days later when they have completely forgotten about it. This is my life...welcome.
So what am I getting at with the color navy and how my head works (or doesn't)??
Because I got really excited when journaling and trying to get a gauge on where my heart when I made it connect to navy...in a very roundabout way. I was trying to think of an analogy to describe this season of pre-graduation yet post-college that I have found myself in. Its been a very confusing time so try to track with me here...
To begin with there is a sense of loneliness, no matter how you try to spin it. Even though I have great roommates, sweet friends and a lot of fun I can't shake this feeling. Because it has finally hit where I don't feel like I belong on a college campus. Its like overnight there sunk in this "me and them" attitude. For years now my best friends and I have all been doing this college thing together. A major thing that connected us was this college ministry. But now I am on my way out the door and many if not most of my friends are still there. So where does that leave me? Its confusing because I am genuinely excited to move on with my life, to turn that next page to the exciting new chapter of my life. But what this chapter will hold I have no idea. And it is here where the fear and anxiety makes a devastating appearance. I can feel the temptation to worry and grow anxious over me, threatening to drag me under its waves. And waves are exactly how I would describe it. The waves that rock my little life boat to and fro, though somedays are sunny and beautiful. I contentedly float on the surface enjoying the sunshine. These are the days where I rest assuredly, knowing by faith that God is sovereign over my life. I know that come what may my life is in His hands and there is literally no place I'd rather be. There is another kind of day that is quite the contrast these pleasant, happy days. These days its harder to see the sun through the clouds, and I'm nearly rocked into oblivion. The water is rough and dark, my face may even turn green with sea-sickness. These days may not be frequent but they do appear every now and again, daunting and filled with worry. I don't want to give into these days because I can remember yesterday, I can remember the sun and the glassy surface. They say to avoid sea-sickness one must keep their gaze on the horizon line, and in this choppy season it is no exception. I must keep my eyes fixed on one thing and one thing only...the face, my prize. There is no other way to survive this new and confusing transition but to keep focused on the race set before, on the prize that awaits me. But how? To be honest I don't actually know, but what has worked for me up to this point is just complete and utter surrender to Him. I can't make it through these difficult days on my own accord. I've tried and I have failed. All I know is that this has driven me to truly come to the cross naked and empty of all my devices. But because of the sweet message of the gospel I can come boldly to the throne of grace and ask my eternal Father to help me. I can confess my iniquity and uncover my transgression before Him. The words of the Psalmist in the 32nd chapter describe it perfectly, "Therefore let everyone who is godly offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found; surly in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him. You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance."
There is no way to make it through this season completely smoothly because we live in a Genesis 3 world. I am not going to react to everything exactly the way I should. I am going to get scared maybe even hurt a little bit. My heart and my flesh are going to fail me day in and day out as are my friends, but God is my strength, my deliverer, he is my portion he is enough and more. It would be easy to sum it up as saying "you just can't win" but thats not exactly true because you see it has already been won for me. There is nothing for me to beat anymore, its been beaten. This is my horizon line that will keep me from completely losing myself. This truth is what can conquer my fear and doubts that the nasty, stormy winds roar back at me.
It all comes back to the same voice from the same man that rebuked the same wind, "And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, 'Peace! Be still!' And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm." (Mark 4:39)
Peace and Love Beloved
No comments:
Post a Comment